Netflix A-Z: Bound (2015)

Suffice to say, this was a change in plan for me. The original choice was absolutely indie. This one is just low budget Asylum and it isn’t horror. Surprise! Bound is a “drama thriller”. I didn’t know it was Asylum Productions before I was drafting this up. Enough said, right? That might give you a guideline of the expectations you should have…in general.

Let’s check it out! 🙂

Bound (2015)

Bound 2015

Director: Jared Cohn

Cast: Charisma Carpenter, Bryce Draper, Morgan Obenreder, Michael Monks, Daniel Baldwin, Noel Arthur

The daughter of a wealthy real estate broker falls in love with a younger man, who introduces her to B&D and S&M. Using her newly awakened sexual prowess, she finally takes charge of her own life.-IMDB

Right when I thought Asylum horror was most of the time pretty bad, except for you know, Sharknado was is bad but a guilty pleasure (for some, me included). Dipping into this mystery, drama, suspense, or whatever you want to call it, maybe a Fifty Shades of Grey wanna-be, was not a good idea. In fact it was a boring and rather ridiculous idea. The sad part is that there are some known cast here and this is where I ask the question of why this seemed like a good movie to be a part of. Maybe I shouldn’t jump ahead too much and lets look at this bit by bit and maybe I’ll have something good to say.

Bound

The story is flawed and a little stupid. Divorcee meets a younger guy (or I think he is). He says some pretty bad dialogue about calling him Daddy and how he owns her on their “date” and has some sex on her dad’s office desk. She falls into the world of BDSM and enters this dominant-submissive relationship with this guy she knows nothing about. At the same time, she’s struggling to convince her dad that their real estate company still has a shot but she just blows off important meetings for sex and brings rude boys to important functions and accepts to put a sex toy in her underwear to put in his control. We haven’t even touched on the daughter or the father (played by Daniel Baldwin). The daughter and her relationship seem good but yet way too casual but then maybe its just a culture difference. However, the story simply isn’t convincing especially with some stranger that pops out of nowhere. It is predictable to no end and we haven’t talked about the dialogue which was clunky and not sexy at all.

Bound 2015

I didn’t know any of the cast before but in the heart of wanting to know a little bit more, I did some research. It turns out I have seen Charisma Carpenter, the female lead here who plays Michelle in Veronica Mars as Kendall Casablanca. She was also in Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It seems she must have some popularity. Then we have a younger cast for male lead, Bryce Draper where this is  his first full feature movie. I guess the last person to mention is Daniel Baldwin but then I’m not sure he has a decent filmography but you know, he is a Baldwin.

Bound 2015

The deal with Bound is that its hard to pinpoint what went wrong. My guess is that the script just didn’t work because the story was not good and the dialogue was even worse. It was clunky and at times pathetically laughable. The camerawork didn’t always stay coherent with what was going on. Point is there is a lot wrong and I honestly don’t think the cast could be at fault here because they might have done the best they could.

Have you seen Bound? 

I promise you, my C selection is going to be good, or at least reputably better, since I can’t predict how I feel about movies in advance.  My guess is that it won’t be hard to find.

Netflix A-Z: Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

Continuing on with our Netflix journey is a sudden change of heart, mostly because I’m having a feeling my original one would be all about the feels and well, I’m not down for that right now.  I just want to watch a fun movie and shut my brain off.  With that said, for those you who don’t know, I’m a huge fan of Sharknado.  You can read the review HERE! I watched that back in 2014 for the Halloween marathon, and I’ve been meaning to watch the second one since then and just never did. I think the key with sequels is the fear that the second won’t live up to the thrills of the first one, especially in the case of Asylum movies.  Still, it seemed like time to check it out!

Let’s go! 🙂

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

Sharknado 2

Director: Anthony C. Ferrantes

Cast: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Kari Wuhrer, Courtney Baxter, Dante Palminteri, Judd Hirsch

When Fin & April are on their way to New York, a Category 7 Hurricane spawns Heavy rain, winds, storm surges, & deadly Sharknadoes. And it’s up to Fin & April to save the Big Apple from total devastation.-IMDB

 Back in the Sharknado-verse sure feels great! Sharknado 2 is not better than Sharknado, not by a long shot but the heart of what Sharknado is is no doubt will there. Its full of bad CGI, overacting, and plain suspension of belief crazy to the next level. But, Sharknado was exactly like that and its kind of Asylum’s staple.  This is the sort of movie you shut off your brain and logic, turn it on and just enjoy.  You will cringe and laugh at the movies and roll your eyes and say WTF, but that’s okay because the movie doesn’t take itself seriously so we don’t have to either.  The key is to be larger than life, amplifying the Sharknado into a bigger damage than before in a much bigger Sharknardo than the one in Los Angeles in the first film but now its in the busy New York. What’s great is that the main cast is back with Ian Ziering playing Fin and Tara Reid playing his wife, April.  They are famous for the Los Angeles incident, Fin can’t deal with the popularity, April writes a book about it and they are there to have a family meet up and mend some relationships, except, they get caught up in this EF5 Sharknado.  All this is amplified with what I think is even worse CGI than the first one and that’s when I wonder, how? I know they are out to make a guilty pleasure, so bad its good sort of film but you’d think that with the popularity that Sharknado pulled in, they’d have a little more to work with.  Maybe I’m wrong? I didn’t check the budget and I don’t plan to so let’s just leave it at that because I’m a fan of the first one so I can easily forgive it.

Sharknado 2

Talking badass, no one quite beats Ian Ziering’s Fin who just ups the level of crazy.   Its like the producers or screenwriters or director sat together at a table and was brainstorming what he could do to just blow this out of proportion.  I mean, how do you beat a man surviving being eaten by a shark in the first one.  If you didn’t see the first one, I’m sorry to have spoiled it for you but trust me, that doesn’t matter.  If you like this sort of movie, it makes no difference. Fin this time treats the sharks in a fearful but taunting death sort of way and kind of pulls up his courage and just does it. That’s what makes his personality so fun to watch.  He’s a chain-sawing toting, sword welding, shark hopping type of guy.  You know he’s going to survive this second Sharknado even before you finish and no matter what happens in the process.  Everyone around him, well, let’s not make any guarantees just yet.

Sharknado 2

I’m not a fan of Tara Reid.  I’m just not.  The last film, she redeemed herself a little in a matching way to the tone of Sharknado but this one, nope. Tara Reid kind of scared me.  Her acting was WAY over, like Sharknado is overacting but she was over over the top that it kind of made roll my eyes in the bad way and not laugh at the movie.  However, that scene up there as absurd as it is was the best part of her role.

I think in general, that’s the issue with Sharknado 2.  In the first one, I mention that all can be forgiven because its okay that everyone knows they are in a crisis and they need to do what they need to do.  Shift all the stupid issues aside and just take care of business but in this one, there are lot of talky moments in the most ridiculous times.  I like that Fin and his brother in law’s character rekindle their bromance and its fun to watch but when they try to work it out or April and Fin are talking it out, or Fin’s old flame played by Vivica A. Fox is reminiscing the past, its a little too much for the situation than I would have hoped. I know that Sharknado might want to give these characters a backstory but in no disrespect meant here and fully applauding them is that Sharknado isn’t about the story, its about having fun watching a bad movie with almost nothing that makes sense and just having a good time.

Sharknado 2

I couldn’t resist putting this scene in because in the most ridiculous ways, its hilarious to watch this absurdity go down. Yet, its a memorable movie moment.  There really isn’t much more to say about Sharknado so I’m just going to wrap it up.

Overall, Sharknado 2 doesn’t live up to the ultimate “so bad its good” vibe from the first one but for those who appreciate the brainless guilty pleasure movies, this is still a decent choice.  There are many absurd moments to laugh about.  There are lots of sharks to see flying above and twisting in a tornado or attacking and being attacked.  There’s Fin being his usual bad-ass self that I truly love.  Sure, there’s a bit more stupid relationship/family issues brought up and Tara Reid is not good but that doesn’t ruin what Sharknado 2 offers. Of course, Sharknado 2 isn’t for everyone. Its only reserved for those who can not take a movie seriously once in a while and give your brain a break.  I promise you, you won’t need it for this 95 mins.  Just have fun and laugh! That’s what its about! 🙂

Have you seen Sharknado 2? What do you think of it? Are you fan of the first Sharknado?

Grimm’s Snow White (Video 2012)

A little side project/extension of my Baking Through Disney project is looking at some adaptations (if available) for certain Disney movies/stories.  Kicking the project off was Disney’s first feature film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Of course, before I tackle anything else, I’d like to give an Asylum’s take on it.  Why? Because we already know its going to not be good and if anything, I can get a good laugh out of it, hopefully….

Grimm’s Snow White (Video 2012)

grimm's snow white

Director: Rachel Goldenberg

Cast: Eliza Bennett, Jane March, Jamie Thomas King, Otta Jankovich, Sebastian Wimmer

When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter Snow, but she escapes into the enchanted forest. – IMDB

 Oh..Asylum…what am I going to do with you? Right about now, Asylum really doesn’t have anything going for it but still we all go into this Shitfest quality material ready to just bash it to pieces and laugh at these weird takes on whatever movies they are basing it on. I would love to say that Grimm’s Snow White is any different but with a poster looking like that, it really had nothing going for it. And no, for some of you who look for say sexy ladies and boobs, there is none of that here.

***Spoilers Spoilers Spoilers (if it matters to you)***

grimm's snow white

Grimm’s Snow White have a few twists.  Snow White isn’t a scullery maid.  She was sent off to a convent to become a nun.  Its outside of the kingdom and she only came back when her father dies and that’s why she becomes fairer than her stepmother.  Talking about the fairest thing, that mirror chant is so horrible and she repeats it over and over and over again.  Also, the Stepmother sleeps with her hunstmen, or we can assume that.  Why do I say men, you ask, because there are multiple.  Its how she puts them under her spell to do things like, kill Snow White for her.  The Huntsman has a little back story with where he has a son.  The Queen also has ugly dogs that are completely CGI and huge.  They have some intense killer senses that know exactly where Snow White is and they are her backup plan.  It seems they have regenerating heads (unless I was so bored I started imagining it).

grimm's snow white

In this version, the Prince is from the neighboring kingdom where the boundaries are adjacent to each other.  He does make a bigger appearance because he meets Snow White at the her father’s funeral where he inappropriately asks for the “mourning” Queen’s hand in marriage to strengthen their kingdoms which she doesn’t accept (but doesn’t refuse either).  I know I know, WTF, right? Then he sees Snow White and gets incredibly attracted to her and asks proposes to her shortly afterwards.  Tsk tsk tsk! And of course, he contradicts himself about that because one moment he’s like, “I have to make the right choice for the kingdom. Who cares about love?” and then the next he’s like, “I want to marry for love.” *ahem* And that’s when I’m like, “I don’t care if you marry for love, just make up your damn mind and stop wasting my time.”

grimm's snow white

Grimm’s Snow White has this lady as the Queen and she’s against the mystical creatures: elves and dragons, that live on her land so they seek sanction on the Prince’s lands.  Except, he rules a puny land compared to hers.  Instead of dwarfs, we have the elves who decide to go to war with the Queen and whatever.  There’s one elf that’s kind of like a half born and apparently that’s a horrible and disrespected thing.  It screams a little of Hogwarts world right there.  Oh right, the war.  It was hilarious because it was like 8 elves fighting against the Queen’s 25 soldies.  I can’t remember the details anymore.  It was about 2 weeks ago that I saw this.  Honestly, it was really boring and I fell asleep once or twice.  There was a lot of contradicting things and the twists were pretty stupid.  It was all to be expected though.

Netflix had this and Snow White and the Huntsman.  I was positive this would be a fail so I figured if I saw this first and then saw Snow White and the Huntsman, then Kristen Stewart might appeal to me more.  It hasn’t because every time I want to turn on that movie, I just go and watch one of my expiring movies instead… Anyways, Grimm’s Snow White was really bad.  Just stay away from it.  Promise me you will… Or else your eyes might roll out of your head.  Here’s hoping you lovely people will listen to me 😉

Halloween Marathon: Hansel & Gretel (Video 2013)

First of all, I’d like to apologize for the next B-Horror that I ended up skipping with the same votes as this one.  Its because I realized its part of this 1313 series and I felt like I should probably see other ones.  Its kind of a weird thing I have with trying to watch things in order.  So I decided to watch this one instead.  Also, you’ll see that I’ve chosen less B-horror because Friday the 13th franchise is already a rather low-budget sort of thing and could easily pass for this (at least I think it does without looking deeper into the budget and whatnot because its really not my thing).

So, here we are: Hansel & Gretel.  Not the Witch Hunter one with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton.  I already reviewed that one last year right HERE. This one is from Asylum and is not set in the past but its very much in the present.  What intrigued me was that its directed by Anthony Ferrantes which is also the director of Sharknado 🙂

hansel and gretel posterDirector: Anthony C. Ferrantes

Cast: Dee Wallace, Stephanie Greco, Brent Lydic, Jasper Cole, Sara Fletcher, Clark Perry, Steve Hanks

The modern retelling of Hansel and Gretel.  Gretel (Stepanie Greco) works at a The Gingerbread House and after a disagreement with her brother Hansel (Brent Lydic), she goes to look for him in the woods where they used to go with their deceased mother.  Once there, she finds Hansel hurt and takes him to a nearby cabin which turns out to be owned by her boss, Lilith (Dee Wallace).  They end up being held captive and trying to find a way out.

hansel and gretel

 

What is there to say about Hansel and Gretel? If you carry Sharknado’s expectations into Hansel and Gretel, you will most likely be disappointed.  Its far from being as fun as watching sharks twirling in the sky along with a gun-wielding man shooting in the sky to protect his family.  I didn’t loathe this movie.  It wasn’t boring, even if it was about to hit that area.  Its super predictable, as you’d expect from Asylum.  The story is been there done that anyways.  Still, I felt oddly indifferent at the end.  I didn’t hate it but I didn’t like it either.  I guess I liked parts of it? Where do I start?

hansel and gretel

Hansel and Gretel is a good place to begin.  I actually wanted to punch Hansel in the face at the beginning because I really didn’t know if he was a teenager or some university student or something like that. Gretel seemed like such a do-gooder also because she worked hard.  Either way, Hansel was just whiny and a glutton because he ate sweets all the time.  I mean, I emphasize sweets because the movie emphasizes that also.  Like I get this is a Hansel and Gretel movie and in the actual fairy tale, Hansel is the one that falls for the witch’s tricks and gets pumped fat and almost gets killed.  At least thats what I remember.  Its just so in your face about it.  But thats okay, its Asylum and they do that.  He’s just so intolerable as a character and then in the middle he turns right around and turns into the most useful person in the world because he knows how to pick locks (despite being clumsy) and he stays calm and collected (for the most part) and he gets all down to business.  I totally liked that Hansel more but correlation and continuity, whatever you call it, the character didn’t develop, he just flipped.  Maybe thats what danger is supposed to do to you?

If anyone is convincing (most of the time), its this lady below, Dee Wallace playing the “witch”. She was pretty batshit crazy and on top of that, she was really creepy.  I could believe that she was a witch without her ever shifting form.  Sure, the script doesn’t give a whole lot of scares but when she was on screen, especially the sudden burst of anger.  That was pretty creepy.  Hansel and Gretel

There was one thing that I have to mention.  Hitting the middle when all hell breaks loose and Hansel and Gretel know whats going on and they try to break out and all that happens afterwards, there’s some pretty cringe-worthy scenes.  Maybe they look fake, maybe they don’t.  It was just super disgusting. There was one part I had to look away because it just made me mega nauseous.  I usually have pretty good tolerance with this sort of thing but this time, I just had to turn away in those few parts when they were making a getaway inside the house.  I’m still debating whether that part was necessary or it was just added for the sake of making it nauseating.

As I write this I realize how to describe this.  It was inconsistent.  The characters had sudden flip in personality (like Hansel’s example) and the style went from somewhat tame to revolting.  It was just like a switch went on and they just realized that they had to change the pace suddenly so there was no transition.  Oh right, and the ending was so obvious too.  It was a really cheap attempt to add a twist.  Honestly, I’m not saying I hated or liked this.  That would imply that I actually cared and I don’t really care that much. Trust me, I’m not being harsh because my expectations are always low when it comes to Asylum productions.

Have you seen Asylum’s version of Hansel and Gretel?