Halloween Marathon: Hansel & Gretel (Video 2013)

First of all, I’d like to apologize for the next B-Horror that I ended up skipping with the same votes as this one.  Its because I realized its part of this 1313 series and I felt like I should probably see other ones.  Its kind of a weird thing I have with trying to watch things in order.  So I decided to watch this one instead.  Also, you’ll see that I’ve chosen less B-horror because Friday the 13th franchise is already a rather low-budget sort of thing and could easily pass for this (at least I think it does without looking deeper into the budget and whatnot because its really not my thing).

So, here we are: Hansel & Gretel.  Not the Witch Hunter one with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton.  I already reviewed that one last year right HERE. This one is from Asylum and is not set in the past but its very much in the present.  What intrigued me was that its directed by Anthony Ferrantes which is also the director of Sharknado 🙂

hansel and gretel posterDirector: Anthony C. Ferrantes

Cast: Dee Wallace, Stephanie Greco, Brent Lydic, Jasper Cole, Sara Fletcher, Clark Perry, Steve Hanks

The modern retelling of Hansel and Gretel.  Gretel (Stepanie Greco) works at a The Gingerbread House and after a disagreement with her brother Hansel (Brent Lydic), she goes to look for him in the woods where they used to go with their deceased mother.  Once there, she finds Hansel hurt and takes him to a nearby cabin which turns out to be owned by her boss, Lilith (Dee Wallace).  They end up being held captive and trying to find a way out.

hansel and gretel

 

What is there to say about Hansel and Gretel? If you carry Sharknado’s expectations into Hansel and Gretel, you will most likely be disappointed.  Its far from being as fun as watching sharks twirling in the sky along with a gun-wielding man shooting in the sky to protect his family.  I didn’t loathe this movie.  It wasn’t boring, even if it was about to hit that area.  Its super predictable, as you’d expect from Asylum.  The story is been there done that anyways.  Still, I felt oddly indifferent at the end.  I didn’t hate it but I didn’t like it either.  I guess I liked parts of it? Where do I start?

hansel and gretel

Hansel and Gretel is a good place to begin.  I actually wanted to punch Hansel in the face at the beginning because I really didn’t know if he was a teenager or some university student or something like that. Gretel seemed like such a do-gooder also because she worked hard.  Either way, Hansel was just whiny and a glutton because he ate sweets all the time.  I mean, I emphasize sweets because the movie emphasizes that also.  Like I get this is a Hansel and Gretel movie and in the actual fairy tale, Hansel is the one that falls for the witch’s tricks and gets pumped fat and almost gets killed.  At least thats what I remember.  Its just so in your face about it.  But thats okay, its Asylum and they do that.  He’s just so intolerable as a character and then in the middle he turns right around and turns into the most useful person in the world because he knows how to pick locks (despite being clumsy) and he stays calm and collected (for the most part) and he gets all down to business.  I totally liked that Hansel more but correlation and continuity, whatever you call it, the character didn’t develop, he just flipped.  Maybe thats what danger is supposed to do to you?

If anyone is convincing (most of the time), its this lady below, Dee Wallace playing the “witch”. She was pretty batshit crazy and on top of that, she was really creepy.  I could believe that she was a witch without her ever shifting form.  Sure, the script doesn’t give a whole lot of scares but when she was on screen, especially the sudden burst of anger.  That was pretty creepy.  Hansel and Gretel

There was one thing that I have to mention.  Hitting the middle when all hell breaks loose and Hansel and Gretel know whats going on and they try to break out and all that happens afterwards, there’s some pretty cringe-worthy scenes.  Maybe they look fake, maybe they don’t.  It was just super disgusting. There was one part I had to look away because it just made me mega nauseous.  I usually have pretty good tolerance with this sort of thing but this time, I just had to turn away in those few parts when they were making a getaway inside the house.  I’m still debating whether that part was necessary or it was just added for the sake of making it nauseating.

As I write this I realize how to describe this.  It was inconsistent.  The characters had sudden flip in personality (like Hansel’s example) and the style went from somewhat tame to revolting.  It was just like a switch went on and they just realized that they had to change the pace suddenly so there was no transition.  Oh right, and the ending was so obvious too.  It was a really cheap attempt to add a twist.  Honestly, I’m not saying I hated or liked this.  That would imply that I actually cared and I don’t really care that much. Trust me, I’m not being harsh because my expectations are always low when it comes to Asylum productions.

Have you seen Asylum’s version of Hansel and Gretel? 

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