When is it Okay…

Christmas holidays are always in full kick in during December for me.  This year I’ve been trying to bring it on completely on this site, however I still can’t escape my normal first week build up of sorrow.  I debated long and hard before I posted this up.  My blog is about being happy and believe me, every single day I am grateful for everything I have.

But during this week, as it approaches the two consecutive days of the whole year where my emotions are messed and mixed up.

Six years ago today, my dad was in the hospital kept under for the past week and being treated for severe pneumonia.  It was my mom’s birthday. Imagine the pain it was for her.  I had exams going on at my second year of university.  Tough times, right? In situations like this, a call from the hospital is all it takes to bring the situation down to hell.  In the very early hours of December 8th, my dad gave in and passed away.  I am very grateful that at least it wasn’t on my mom’s birthday…So if you’ve experienced someone passing away, the procedures afterwards are long and stressful.  You need to wrap up paperwork and transfer accounts, not to mention figure out all the details of the funeral and this drags on for at least the following 6 months.

I’m not here to share a sad story about my dad’s passing.  Its more the story of how to move forward from the past.  How long does it take to mourn? My best friend has mentioned to me before that I’ve never mourned my father.  Between being strong for my mom and the long painful process running back and forth helping her with the paperwork, there was really no time to think about that. Fact is, there wasn’t just mourning…there was a deeper aspect to my father that I never share often and that I have a hard time accepting.  Maybe its something you all understand better than me and maybe what I need is some closure.

Just to give you a little snapshot, this song actually reminds me of my relationship with my dad:

My dad was the typical Chinese man from previous generation who didn’t show his emotions much and didn’t compliment much (or at all).  Of course, there were still short sweet moments I’ve shared with my dad and I treasure those. They were few but still, especially today and tomorrow, it is when these memories stream into my mind, both the good and the bad.

After he passed, it was when I realize that a good part of my life was spent on trying to do things to make my father proud, however it seemed that I never did actually get to that point.  I was just never that perfect daughter.  Its something that I regret and every year, sorrow and regret consume me at this time of the year.  The closer midnight approaches, these emotions overcome me and starts weighing on me.

Tell me…

When is it okay to stop regretting the things you have never accomplished? When is it alright to get past trying hard to make someone who you love but isn’t around anymore proud?

I hope that if he were here, he would be proud of what I have accomplished so far…but I will never know.

I promise you, by the end of this weekend, things will be back to normal.  I’m staying strong and moving forward!