When is it Okay…

Christmas holidays are always in full kick in during December for me.  This year I’ve been trying to bring it on completely on this site, however I still can’t escape my normal first week build up of sorrow.  I debated long and hard before I posted this up.  My blog is about being happy and believe me, every single day I am grateful for everything I have.

But during this week, as it approaches the two consecutive days of the whole year where my emotions are messed and mixed up.

Six years ago today, my dad was in the hospital kept under for the past week and being treated for severe pneumonia.  It was my mom’s birthday. Imagine the pain it was for her.  I had exams going on at my second year of university.  Tough times, right? In situations like this, a call from the hospital is all it takes to bring the situation down to hell.  In the very early hours of December 8th, my dad gave in and passed away.  I am very grateful that at least it wasn’t on my mom’s birthday…So if you’ve experienced someone passing away, the procedures afterwards are long and stressful.  You need to wrap up paperwork and transfer accounts, not to mention figure out all the details of the funeral and this drags on for at least the following 6 months.

I’m not here to share a sad story about my dad’s passing.  Its more the story of how to move forward from the past.  How long does it take to mourn? My best friend has mentioned to me before that I’ve never mourned my father.  Between being strong for my mom and the long painful process running back and forth helping her with the paperwork, there was really no time to think about that. Fact is, there wasn’t just mourning…there was a deeper aspect to my father that I never share often and that I have a hard time accepting.  Maybe its something you all understand better than me and maybe what I need is some closure.

Just to give you a little snapshot, this song actually reminds me of my relationship with my dad:

My dad was the typical Chinese man from previous generation who didn’t show his emotions much and didn’t compliment much (or at all).  Of course, there were still short sweet moments I’ve shared with my dad and I treasure those. They were few but still, especially today and tomorrow, it is when these memories stream into my mind, both the good and the bad.

After he passed, it was when I realize that a good part of my life was spent on trying to do things to make my father proud, however it seemed that I never did actually get to that point.  I was just never that perfect daughter.  Its something that I regret and every year, sorrow and regret consume me at this time of the year.  The closer midnight approaches, these emotions overcome me and starts weighing on me.

Tell me…

When is it okay to stop regretting the things you have never accomplished? When is it alright to get past trying hard to make someone who you love but isn’t around anymore proud?

I hope that if he were here, he would be proud of what I have accomplished so far…but I will never know.

I promise you, by the end of this weekend, things will be back to normal.  I’m staying strong and moving forward!

20 thoughts on “When is it Okay…

  1. I think that you will probably never stop missing him or grieving. I am sure it was terrible. My 2.5 year old nephew also passed away on 12/8 and it is coming on the 10 year anniversary. It always makes me cry. It is ok to be sad. For you have to keep remembering and loving him even though he is gone. 🙂

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  2. The moment you start loving yourself, accepting who you are, when you are proud of yourself, then you will know that your Father has and will always will love you, where ever he is now. I would love to give you a big hug and hold you while you mourn your loss. Tears in my eyes when I imagine what you have gone through and still are going through.
    You can let go, sweet friend. Do not regret things you have no influence on or can not change. You will ruin your life that way and I am sure your parents want you to be happy. Even now.
    And I love your choice of music.
    ~Marion

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    • Thanks Vicki! I have thank David for sending his readers over here. I haven’t thought of the support and response this would get. The blogosphere and people we meet here never ceases to amaze me.

      One step at a time, I’m healing bit by bit. Thank you for your wishes! 🙂

      Stop by again if anything else interests you.

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  8. Of course I was going to click over here and read this. I am so sorry for your loss even though it was awhile ago. There are so many things I could tell you. Your Dad is proud of you, how could he not be, you are a great person. I don’t know if your Dad knows about all the great things you are doing and great decisions you are making with your life, nobody can answer that question. I think the only question you can answer for sure is, are YOU proud of who your are and what you are doing. I was just listening to that song Broken Angel, so sad. I hope that you know you are a great person and I am just sure that in his heart, your Dad was proud of you and knew what a winner you are! Some people have a hard time expressing these things but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. 🙂

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    • Haha! Even I laugh at whether I`ve made good decisions but I think I constantly try to improve myself and my life and learn to be a better person. Maybe its the subconscious thought of trying to make him proud even though its really my own issues now. Maybe he would be proud of me, I don`t know and I never will but what I`m trying to do now is to be able to accept that if I`ve tried my absolute best and I`m happy, he will be happy and proud if he were still alive.
      Its really just a personal issue that takes time to move along with but I feel that I`m having more and more strength to move past it as I start achieving certain things in my life and everything starts settling into its own place 🙂
      Thanks for the kind words Jon! Much appreciated!

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  9. I lost my Mom on Dec 23rd two years ago. That’s why Becky and I went away for Christmas. I think it’s going to be pretty hard not to think about Mom at Christmas, so I’m trying to change the routine so it doesn’t ruin every Christmas of my life. We did okay this year. It’s finding a balance between allowing yourself to grieve but not allowing the grieving to stop you living your life.

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    • Thats exactly it. Its one of the reasons why I encourage my mom to do as she likes on her birthday and we deal with whatever else the day after when we need to pay our respects to my dad.
      Point in fact here is that I need to eventually grieve and I think last December I really managed to learn a bit more about really doing it. Its been a long time and its time for some closure as well.

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